Saturday, 6 June 2015

What happened to us?

                          Image result for images of intimacy
I sat in a bus and I eves dropped into a conversation of two females seated behind me. It was a sad story especially the moment she told her friend these words 'I don’t feel him any longer' .

I don’t feel my partner any longer is usually our way of saying we no longer feel intimate with our partner. The small magic moments have disappeared, the way we laugh that makes us look stupid when we walk by people, the sensitive feeling of touch when he holds your  hands all gone. You are literally TIRED.

In this our busy world it's  too easy to lose intimacy and connection in a relationship, your partner always needs your maximum concentration in every aspect of his or her life but then you can’t always give 100% and so the withdrawal begins and in no time you are like my friends on the bus, and you no longer feel your partner.

Intimacy did not just happen it was built by you two in the early days of your relationship so in case you have forgotten how you did it let me remind you

1.       You Accepted unconditionally – in the early days we are not as laser focused on the weakness of our partners, we accepted them for who they are and when they apologized we also accepted. There were no long stories or sarcastic comments and probing, we just took their words for it and took their actions in love , but as time went on we stopped doing this.  It's s time to start accepting him or her unconditionally.

2.       you paid attention and was always emotionally available – this is the most salient thing we did in the early stages of the relationship. You paid attention to what they said, looked closely at their body language as they said what they said, you turned everything out( work, school, all other issues).  You listened to everything and not only did you listen you let yourself open to feel what they said to you and in return you shared how what they said made you feel. Emotionally you were like a glass to them, no clocking and no twisting of words.  When you are with your partner be present stop letting your mind wonder, stop using your phones too much, research shows that eye contact is the most basic tool in establishing connection, yet when you are talking you are either looking at your phone or the TV.  I am not saying you should not multi task but once in a while slow it all down and just be in the moment. if you find that ability to listen and be emotionally open again your intimacy will come back.

3.       You laughed a lot and did things together – I read somewhere that the ability for couples to laugh at the same thing and talk about irrelevant things is a key factor to intimacy. I know I always saw my parents together sit and talk for hours and when you ask them what they are talking about, they point to a tree and you are shocked. You are telling me all these hours all you guys did was talk about a tree. Most evenings I watch them play Ludo game and its like they renew their love by doing that. So the ability to engage in supposed meaningless talks,  do things together and laugh about it is crucial, get back to those days.
                Image result for couples laughing
4.       You where physical – you held hands, you hugged etc. most people always confuse physical intimacy to sexual intimacy, they are not the same thing. Sexual intimacy is part of physical intimacy but it is not all that physical intimacy is. As someone who does not encourage pre-marital sex, I am not saying you should go and have sex,  I am just saying the sense of touch is primal to humans feeling connection so use it. Being physically affectionate not only feels good, but it also triggers our bodies to increase the amount of oxytocin produced. Oxytocin is often affectionately known as the "love hormone" because of that feel-good effect.

The last thing I want to add is this, I know most people don’t agree to my next point but I feel I should add it because I strongly believe it works like magic.

5.       Be spiritual together – in a spiritual moment there is vulnerability that occurs to each and every one of us. If channeled well can help bring you and your partner together.  Its this vulnerability that most clergy men and choir coordinators abuse when they use it in the wrong way. So try spending time together doing spiritual things.(N/B I don’t mean both of turning your house to a shrine. LOL* just kidding*)
      Image result for couples praying
Feel free to share more ways you can reconnect the intimacy in a relationship.

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