A friend of mine was so sad about the state of his relationship, he did not have the words to describe it but all he could say was “we are not as close as we use to be”. I tried to probe further and he still could not lay his hands on the words to describe the feelings that has stirred up in his heart.
He says things like she does not talk to me, and I asked do you mean literally, he said No of course.
I feel we are not connecting.
Honestly I could not help him that day, so I told him a usually line ‘Every relationship requires hard work’ and I tried to wiggle out of the gist.
Later that night before I slept, I could not just shake the feeling that even though I understood what he was saying I could not find the words to describe what he was saying.
If they talked and laughed, spent time together and kept in touch, what then was missing?
Finally I had to ask myself, when do I feel most connected to someone? That was when it dawned on me; the word he was looking for was ‘fellowship’.
The word fellowship is usually used to describe a collection of individual with a common interest, activity or purpose. But underneath that the world fellowship has a strong tie to vulnerability, that period you open up your deepest fears, worries and dreams to someone or something.
Most people only express that kind of vulnerability in the place of prayer when they are talking to God, that moment you see them stripe themselves of any sense of pride and control laying it all before their maker. In that moment they experience true fellowship.
I also knew I felt most connected to anyone whenever I opened up myself totally to them, going beyond the usual superficial facade I carry every day. I let them into my fears, problems, issues, worries and pains. I let them see my weakness and let them see me for who I am. In those moments that is when we form true connections.
So I quickly pinged my friend who was still awake and asked him, when last did you have fellowship with your partner, he asked me to explain what I meant by fellowship and I did, his response showed its been long they let the other person see each others vulnerability. The next morning he told me thank you and said it worked like magic, I was just glad I could be of help.
Now I must quickly add that the heart of man is wicked, so you don’t show your vulnerability to every dude or lady who comes your way. But for you to make deep connections and bonds, it must be on the areas where we are the most weak.
Most ladies will say that men don’t share, so why should we share. I have seen men who share and ladies who feel it is a waste of time or who mistake this attribute for weakness. It is not. In fact it is what really makes him a man, the fact he can lay his plans out for you, lets you see his vulnerability and fears. This shows you the respect he has for you and how safe he feels having you in his life.
When a lady shares her fears and issues with a man, it does not make her a weakling. In fact it does the opposite, it draws out the animal instinct in your man to protect his own. This issue of Captain America and Wonder woman only works in the comic world. Couples do not only share the happiness and wonderful times, they also share their fears, sorrows, pain and vulnerability.
So I encourage you to open up in your relationship and fellowship together, it can only make the bond stronger.