Tools to feed him With..

I decided to share the post into two, because I really wanted to give space between the first post and the follow up. So that people can understand how important I believe feeding your man is. Pls read the first blog ( Feed-your-man.)for a better understanding of the follow up.

There is an old adage that says behind every successful man there is a woman. And even though most women say this in a bid to prop up the importance of women. I don’t think many understand it totally.

Most women do not really recognize the power they have over their Man. We have this power just by words sometimes, or sometimes even a look, to literally destroy their man or they can lift him up to do things that they would never do on their own without her encouragement and support.

Tools to feed my man

1.       Respect – most women do not really understand what this means and I am not sure I totally do, and this is because respect is relative. There are things you might do to one man and it means disrespect and to another it is cool. You have to understand how your man defines respect. I might be wrong but I believe most men value respect and loyalty way above love. One of the most common ways to show respect is to listen to your man. Don’t just hear, LISTEN.

The second way is to take him SERIOUSLY, if he tells you something and you go ahead and do what is on your mind that is outright disrespect. The slogan Yes does not cause quarrel, is a clear sign of disrespect, you act like you have heard and you go off and still do what pleases you.

2.       Use your words – after respect the next is the proper use of words, when you understand that it took him a great deal of effort to open up to you, to be vulnerable to you, and how he hopes to hear an opinion from you. And in that moment you say am tired I need to sleep, you have just told him ‘your worries are yours alone to bear don’t disturb me’.

Our opinions matter a lot to the Men in our lives, so use it to always support and encourage them. Words like (i)I really appreciate your faithfulness to our relationship.(ii) Thank you for working so hard.(iii) it is okay we will get through this together (iv) I love you. etc

3.       Make him feel needed – if you were comfortable being alone you should not have bothered dating in the first place. Men are wired to feel needed the same way women are wired to feel safe. Acting like you can take the world all by yourself makes a man wonder what his role is in your life. Make him feel needed, let him see that he is your amour and protector.

4.       Support his dreams - One of the things that sometimes baffles women is the way men’s self-worth is often tied to their profession. God gave work to the man from the Garden of Eden, before the fall, and it was part of what God called “good.”  Men derive a great amount of identity, purpose, and joy from this means God has given them to provide for themselves and the people they love. If you are not working help him get ready for work, if he is forgetful help him remember appointments or things he needs to do. Show him in your actions you will follow him to the moon and back

5.       Finally touch him – I know he is big, 6ft 2inches, has a biceps that can crush your skull in a bit, and he has this voice that reechoes in your house when he lets it lose. In all this show of masculinity he is still a small boy, who loves to be touched. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about touch. (I will share this with my ladies alone) but I am sure you get my drift already, in the olden days you would see the man lying down and the wife rubbing his pot belle. hahahhha, that is still an example of touch.

I know I missed some things, I don’t know it all and I am also learning but I think the above listed ones will go a long way in helping you feed your man to conquer the world. Feel free to share more via your comments.

Feed Your Man.

It is a popular saying that the way to a man’s heart is true his stomach. And since the beginning of time the saying has stood to be true. But I would want to go a little deeper than the surface meaning of that saying.

What are you feeding your man?

Most times we ladies see our men as the terminator who has it all figured out and is on auto control with his plans and dreams for the Promised Land he is taking us to. We forget that he is just a Man.  He does not have two heads, or a super brain, he has not time travelled to the future to see how it will all end meaning he is as confused as you are.

He acts all in control as if he has the blue print of the dream but in reality he is struggling every day to make sure he does not drop the ball and make a fool of himself.

Yet ladies on daily occasion have not feed the man in their lives.

I don’t mean giving him food, I mean give him affirmation, praise, letting him know you support him, joining in his little success and letting him know that the sacrifice he pays on daily bases is appreciated by you.

When last did you just call him to say, I believe you are the man to bring all our dreams to reality, I believe in you and I am willing to ride or die with you. I know it is not easy for you but I trust you to pull through. In the little you have you provide for me when I ask. I am not asking you to say thank you. I am asking you to feed his dream.

From year to year, you have never told him how you are proud he is your man, we women always want to be at the receiving end of such praise and affirmations, but when last did we give it to our man.

He goes out makes a bad decision, he is beating up himself in the money he has lost, and all you do is remind him of his short comings, you begin to tell him things like you told him so, instead of you to uphold him and feed his self-esteem and believe, by telling him another opportunity will come, don’t beat up yourself, don’t give up yet.

He suggest as a team to reduce expenses and move into austerity measures because he needs to free up cash for the next big idea he is pursuing, the first words out of your mouth is I CANT. You did not even pause to consider or to think of a way to make it work, you immediately rebuff his strategy. Making it look like he is in this battle alone.

He finally gets that promotion, or a Job or gets a break in a contract he has been chasing for years, and the way you react is so passive that his happiness dwindles in a seconds.

Men always act like they have it all together, but if you have brothers, or male friends who could be honest, you will see that one of the reason they die earlier than women is just because of the burden they tend to carry alone.

You know how you feel when someone affirms you, encourages you and praise your accomplishments, don’t you think your man can use them once in a while as he strives to deliver the future to you.

Every man has an enormous potential, they all have the seeds of greatness in them, but they daily need someone to water it and nature it.

Part 2 coming soon - Tools To Feed Your Man.

Live Your Life By a Compass Not a Clock.

A friend who has just finished law school, felt time had passed him by and now needs speed to catch up with his mates who had left him behind during his days of trying to get admission into the university. When you spend 3years waiting for that elusive admission into the university, you sometimes feel that you have been dealt  a slow hand by the marker and all you can think of his how to bridge the gap and catch up.

The society on the other hand does not make it easy too. Social network and various technology advancements has made it so easy to keep in touch. You are flashed with the images of that your friend as she dedicates her 2nd child, when not even a dog is asking you out talk less of a man. You receive house warming invitations from friends when you are still living with a relative. You don’t even want to check your Instagram page where your friends are busy sharing pictures of their first class experience from Lagos to Dubai and you are still using CHISCO for your intercity adventures. Hope you get the picture.

It is so easy to think you have been dealt a slow hand from your maker. So you decide to speed things up. You switch from living your life by a compass to living by a clock. Your choices are no longer based on the direction and dream you want, but on the easiest path for you to rejoin the group that has left you behind.

But the question is this, did they really leave you behind? That is a question for another blog post.

Can I tell you a secret? In life you will always be behind someone and in front of someone else. Life will never be a race, there is no one keeping scores of who comes first and who comes last. Change your mentality about it. Stop thinking there is an acceptable time in relation to others to buy a car, get a Job, own a house etc. 

The truth is this, there is no fixed time or date to accomplish anything in life. As much as it is good to join your peers as they grow and pass through life huddles, when it is not happening for you, don’t fall into depression and start to compare. This is the reason we all do things we regret at the long run because we somehow think someone is watching and keeping score.

A clock is a tool that does not offer direction, it only tells you the time. On the other hand a compass is a tool that points to a specific direction irrespective of the time of the day or the situation around it.

My dear live by a compass. Let every decision you make be in constant alignment with your goals, plans and vision (your true north). It might make you look slow in the beginning because you are not treading a common path, but you are not slow because you are creating your own future by design. And in time you will see that living by compass will give you more fulfillment and wealth than living by a clock.

A group of 90year old living in an elders community, was asked individually what their biggest regret about life was? Most of their answers could be summarized to mean that they did not pursue their dreams and goals, they just let life happen to them instead of living by design.

So what are my dreams? What are my goals? Are my daily choices and activities getting me closer or father away from them? If so I need to pause, pull out my compass (your dreams and goals), and check my alignment as regards to them. If I am off track I just need to reverse but if I am on track then it’s all systems go. Living by a compass helps making decisions easy, because you already know which way you should be headed, which is why the holy book says “Without a vision my people cast of restrain”.

                               Don’t let life happen to you, live by design.

BULLYING

I couldn’t understand it, why does it satisfy a person to bring another to their lowest? Really, I tried to understand the hype of it, the taunting, and the thrill of the hunt, the funny name calling, the beatings, the chasing, the pushing and shoving. It was terribly and yet in all of it I wanted to understand the need for another human to feel superior and you can’t but understand why you are being hunted out, separated from the fold, you never did anything to anyone, you only just wanted to belong to have friends yet this was the result. Now you sit and wonder how your life became this mess, which is crazy because you are supposed to be having the time of your life, yet you are so lonely, so cut out. Every one steers clear of you like you are a disease, those who try to look at you, stare at you with pity. How did you manage to get here? You ask yourself, you search from your first day, what might you have said, what were you wearing? The questions in your mind become endless with no answers.

You try to reason it from your family, how do they see you? Are you really that different? Suddenly it begins to bite you, to claw at your heart, you are screaming in your head but no one is hearing you. You are a walking cry for help but no one sees a thing. You stay guarded, you can never tell when they might pounce, at the hall way, at lunch, at break, wherever, you just do not know, you look over your shoulder. Then you tell yourself, maybe if you are nice and try to blend in it will be okay and funny, they make you believe you have to try, so you do that, you change yourself, you do things you shouldn’t do, you let them do things to you so you can have friends, so you can have someone, anyone, so you cannot be left out but it gets worse, they are coming at you stronger, you are confused, what did you do wrong? You can’t tell anyone because they won’t understand, the last time you tried, they said you were a sissy for not standing up or that you hadn’t tried to be better and you are like can they not see what you have to go through every day.

Somehow you get smaller and smaller with each passing day, it’s a daily destruction of your entire personality, you question who you are, why you are existing, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you need to be assured it’s going to be okay, you are going to be okay but there’s no one. The noise becomes too much in your head, you hear their laughter in your head, and you hear how they berate in your head. This is like a sickness because it’s eating you away, you begin to shrink more, to hide more, nothing calls out to you, there is no peace in your mind, and you feel so lost. What are you going to do, will this ever end, and someone should please save you. You have no happy place, your parents start to complain that you are not yourself but you can’t tell them why so you learn to pretend to happy, it works for you but then when you close the door and you are all alone the demons come out to play. You crave the silence at the same time you are afraid of it because when you are alone your mind cannot stop churning. “Help me”, you say quietly but you have become a shadow, who can see you.

 Then you wonder what if you disappeared, what if you left, wouldn’t they all be happy, wouldn’t it make you feel better or make them fill better. That thought takes a hold of you, it begins to spurn to give you so much more ideas of how you can do it. You start to wonder a life without you in it and it seems okay because you feel if you let go you will be happier, they will be happier, what is your life? They do not need you. Yes, yes, the demons scream at you, do it, do it and you ready to but if you could only but stop and pause, realize that it would stop, it will end one day, of course it may hunt you for the greater part of your life but it will get better, if you try really hard you can fight, you scream at me “you will never understand.” Oh but I do, I very much understand every of those feelings and more, listen to me if you lose your life they have won, they have succeeded in killing your spirit. You are not all but lost there is still a little of you left but you have to want to fight back for yourself, block out the noise. You say it’s not easy, I know, every battle is never easy and they will be scars but if you try you will win, you will one day look back and be amazed at how far you have come, every of the scars will hurt you but they will be your battle scars to show you fought and won. But I tell you, there’s only one who can fight with you and who will never leave you, He has asked many times if you will only let Him help you but you couldn’t hear Him because the noise was too much but at this moment when you want to take your life the one who gave your life is asking you is telling you LET ME HELP YOU, will you listen, will you let Him?

Sadly these are some and more of the pain some pass through and others have passed through, some have given up along the way, some are so lost they can’t find their way. Some are hunted for the rest of their lives while there are some who fight and fight till they win, till they get their lives back. What is it to the bully? Nothing. What is gained? Nothing but a fleeting satisfaction that never even last. Some of them may even forget how they made your life miserable, some may have just been hyped by the fact that it made them popular or formidable. So at the end, what is the essence? Why? , bullying is very wrong, it is disturbing, stop your child if you find out he/she is a bully, whether you believe it or not, find out, you could be saving a life, it is not a show of strength. If your child is being bullied, find out, listen more, pay attention to the signs, there are signs. If as an adult you are being bullied, seek help or better yet come out or stop that abuse on you. Yes you can stop, it can stop. It has no power over you.

Article written by THE WRITER

Apology is not the currency of forgiveness, REPENTANCE Is.

It is fair to say that if you are reading this blog post you have seen a bit of life, you have had people in time past wrong you or you have likewise offended other people. I am just saying, so that you understand the act of apology.

Some people believe that the word SORRY is the magic wand to wipe your slate clean, some use it even when they know they will repeat the particular issue they are apologizing for. Some even go as far as having a preplanned apology technique that is full proof no matter what the situation is (fear such a person).

This has made me to wonder about what the role of apology in a relationship really is. Is it a tool for a quick fix? Or could it actually be a sign of repentance? But if it is a sign of repentance how should we then judge if the apology is true, when we can’t see their hearts?

All this question drove me to think a little on the issue of how we use apologies in our everyday life. To me I believe an apology is a tool to wipe the slate, when we say we are sorry, we should really mean “I am sorry I acted in such or manner or I said hurtful things AND I WILL TRY TO MAKE SURE IT WONT HAPPEN AGAIN”. Saying sorry without adding the effort and desire not to repeat the action or words that lead to the situation in the first place is superficial and fake.

That extra length we go to make sure we don’t repeat the particular situation again that made us apologize in the first place is what I see as repentance, although the dictionary does not spell it out like that, but it came close.

 Repentance is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and resolving to live a more responsible and humane life. – Wikipedia.

In the above definition, you can see repentance has a commitment to be a better you, which is why I said apology is not the currency of forgiveness, repentance is.

To answer the questions I asked earlier. Is apology a tool for a quick fix? The answer is YES, could it be a sign of repentance? YES, how can we judge if an apology is true? When we notice an effort from the person trying to be better and not do it again. Since we can’t see their hearts when they apologize, we wait for their actions when the same situation arises again.

So when next you say  ‘I am sorry’  know that you are making this outward appeal to be given a second chance and an inward commitment to be better and not allow it to repeat itself. If you follow my blog you will see, I am an advocate of small steps in areas of self development because I know it is not easy. So making this commitment does not mean you will turn to a saint overnight, it just means I am trying to be a better version of me.

Learn to apologize and when your loved one or friend apologizes to you learn also to forgive quickly. There is a difference between  saying ‘sorry’ and ‘I am sorry’; the manner  and tone in which we render such apology determines how it affects  and how the other person reacts to your apology . Don’t go using the word ‘sorry’ carelessly that it loses its meaning.