IT HURTS.....BUT WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?

Last night I received an email from a blog reader who is having issues moving on from a failed relationship, I tried to give her my little opinion about what I felt was the necessary steps on how to move on from a relationship after which I asked if I could share it on my blog and she agreed.

When you have a lot invested in relationship, it is difficult moving on, your time is your life and when you have given years for a relationship and to hear those dreaded words “it is over” said to you, it feels like your world has come to a halt.

Moving on is difficult, you wish he or she never existed, It could be that you're still part of that person's life one way or another. You may be, working with him or her, seeing or meeting them every day in the gym, club, and regular meetings

                                   

How can you make this transition easier and less painful?

1.       Resist the urge to stay angry – when someone breaks up with us, the reflex emotion is anger, we quickly get angry at the fact they left us, we are tempted to bad mouth or gossip about them, tempted to do all sorts of crazy things to them but we must resist this, anger is an emotion that binds you to the reason that made you angry, as long as you stay angry with your EX you will never move on, as long as you continue to bad mouth them to friends you are indirectly thinking about him or her, so resist the urge to stay angry.Your worth is not tied to him or her.

2.       Let yourself feel – yes I said you should resist the anger but I did not say you should now act like a super woman or man from mars who has no feelings, in fact you should let yourself feel, let yourself cry, crying is therapeutic and if you feel like crying please do, but I advise you do this in your privacy. Do not live in denial, denial accomplishes nothing, it makes you more angry, accept what has happened cry and then pick yourself up.

3.       Write it down – I know the act of writing things down is slowly becoming a lost act in our time but if you must move on, you need to express your anger and the best way is to write it all down, take a pen and paper and write all the bad feelings or things you might wish to say to him/her on paper and after you do, throw them away or burn them, this is very useful for 2 reasons, it keeps you from bad mouthing your ex when you are with company and it also acts to relieve you of negative emotions

4.       Talk to someone – this is tricky, because most people out there are waiting for your relationship to fail, so finding someone who you can talk to is difficult but find someone, someone who does not have a vested interest would be perfect, please make sure you have tried writing your ill feelings down before you talk to someone because in your angry state you might say things you will regret later.

                                              

5.       Ignore the “ONE” Myth – I grew up in a Christian home and people are always quick to say that your Eve is the woman made from the rib of Adam meaning there is one Eve for every Adam. My dear that is a lie, there are many size 42 in the market so don’t let yourself slump into a depression that he /she was the only one made for you in the whole world, yes they might have made you happy beyond measure but then they left, God will bring another person your way to make you happy.

6.       Cut all communication – Facebook ,Instagram, twitter, Skype, Whatsapp, tango, etc. you need to at least cut all the ties,for now. I know this might sound strange but trust me you need the space, now some of us will delete them as friends but still stalk them(LOL). Please don’t, you are deleting them not because you hate them but because you need this time for yourself to try and heal, as far as the object of injury stays on the wound, healing is delayed. So remove the object for now

7.       Wear your shoes – stop crying all day and playing his favorite songs on your phone,sleeping in the PJ's he got you last Christmas, come on wear your shoes and step out, this is the right time to get more active, spend more time with your own friends, join a new group in church or your club, get an active life style, wear your shoes and go out.

Some people also suggest you don’t date immediately so you don’t just have a rebound relationship, but the other side is, we all heal differently, if it takes me 3 months to heal and It takes you 6 months, when I start dating again at 3 months it is no longer a rebound, the important thing is to give yourself time to heal before you date again.

Even if you’ve done everything on this list, understand that getting over a relationship can take a lot of time. Let yourself off the hook when you have a bad day, or burst into tears for no apparent reason. Give yourself permission to heal slowly, one long day at a time.

You’ve likely been through a lot. Be gentle with yourself.