5 DAYS TO 25 !!!

I turn 25 in exactly 5 days, and truthfully, I am terrified. Mostly because of the realization that I become a full-fledged adult averse to the somewhat predictable chain of responsibilities that would follow; closer to 30, and not exactly living the dream of having N25million in my account by 25. I mean, wasn’t it just last week when I was so youthful & vibrant in my rompers at my 21^st birthday party? All of a sudden, in 5 days, I will be quarter to life and no longer in my early twenties. I feel like I am running out of time.

I repeat, I am terrified!!!

       

Now, I have been listening to a lot of music lately, No, not the ‘skibo-robo-tinghen-ghen-type of Nigerian music’ (I say this in no condescending manner whatsoever, Olamide is bae) but the deep-think-about-your-life kind of music and my thoughts have been all over the place. Thoughts on whether or not my life will eventually turn out as I want, whether I will make a great wife & mother, whether I will achieve my career goals and dreams, whether I will still visit Jade Mountain, St Lucia for a month and just eat, sleep & lounge. 

I recently got introduced to Jon Bellion, and one of his songs, ‘Human’ resonates so much with me. Basically because, like Jon, I had gotten so sick of being human at some point and felt lost, despite having so much. Some days I would ask myself why I didn’t come as a chicken, the most difficult decision I would have had to make would be whether to cross the road or not?? Or a Chihuahua, going pearl shopping and being pampered by rich white folks. Lol.

I promise, I’m not going through quarter-life crisis, I just think life came at me so fast and 20 year old me would have appreciated guidelines on how to deal with this “fear”. But, I have overcome, although, I am not exactly having the best year but with the help of various verses from the Bible, amazing friends and good music, I have been able to cope, deal with life’s challenges and savour the positive side of turning 25. 

This is why, out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to share my coping mechanism and guide on how to deal with certain situations that come for you in life.

Disclaimer: This list is not exhaustive neither am I a motivational speaker. Cheers.

1)    Pray: I know every Nigerian says “Pray about it” to every situation, and as cliché as that may sound, you really should pray. There’s this peace that comes with talking to God about your problems, waiting for him to direct your next step and believing he has the solution. There are many verses in the Bible that helped me in dealing with fear, I’ll just list some of my favorites:

Deuteronomy 3:16 – Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave nor forsake you.

Isaiah 41:10 – So, do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

Isaiah 41:13 – For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says, Do not fear; I will help you.

2)    Be Positive: Please, by all means, have a positive outlook towards your future, your career and goals. My biggest fear in life is failing and I realize that my “fear” in turning 25 stemmed from having so many negative thoughts about whether or not I would achieve my laid down goals. Now, this has done more harm than good, because, all I have done is worry, overestimate, and lose focus.

But, one day, I listened thoroughly to the lyrics of Talisco’s ‘Your Wish’, and I must say, this song has become the soundtrack of my life. All Mr Talisco was saying is; ‘Smile, Slow Down, Dream. There are no fixed rules to life, another day comes, be positive’.

(Let’s just say my music supplier has helped with the process, without realizing it)

3) Know thyself: Man, know thyself. In the words of Raphael Ornstein, “Knowledge of oneself is the only real knowledge, for as one understands oneself, only then may one truly understand another”. Spending time with yourself and enjoying your own company is invaluable on so many levels. You get to have a good grasp of your motivations, strengths, weaknesses, goals and you learn to align your life in accordance with these things. I was forced into 3 weeks of ‘alone’ time last month and I was able to put myself before anyone else, restrategize, sort out my errors & review my goals. Not everytime turn up & shakitibobo, sometimes, stay in & have conversations with thyself. Merci!

4)    Balance your finances: I got my financial statement from my bank at the end of one month and started hyperventilating. In my mind, I said, ‘Hello, GTbank, there must have been a typographical error somewhere, where are the zeros in my account that my dreams are made of’. Frankly, I have always been prudent and cautious, however, I had this idea that at a certain age, before I moved into another area of my life, I should have a “target” amount in savings. I created this goal some years back, and the reality is like a plate of badly prepared black amala. The truth is, if I had taken control of my finances adequately when I made that goal, I wouldn’t be here talking to you mortals, Lol.

Dear young person, the key to handling your finances appropriately is taking out your savings first, then, you have a clear picture of what you can afford, and the expenditure to forego. Don’t spend first, and save what is left. The time to build this life-long habit is NOW, your responsibilities will soon come at you like ants rushing towards an anthill.

5)   Read: You are what you read. The importance of reading cannot be overemphasized, it opens & develops the mind and imagination, and increases knowledge in any area of life. Growing up, I was the poster child for ‘avid reader’. I used to read as much as I could, whenever I could, which shaped my thinking capacity to an extent. I was nick-named Booker T. Washington and this fueled my parents’ decision to make me study Law.

Not like I had an opinion in choosing my course of study in a Nigerian home, Lol. Try explaining to my mother that your passion is photography and that’s what you want to study, you won’t know how you got to MFM’s mountain for deliverance.

I digress…

Well, at a certain age, the penchant for reading stopped abruptly. I would read one book for months and dump it without getting anything out of it. I would read one page, press my phone for hours, go to the next page, check my phone, then, dump the book.

I couldn’t continue with this bad habit, so, I turned the cause of my problem (my phone & the internet) into my solution. I have taken my addiction to twitter on a positive level, turning it to a knowledge-gaining ground by following accounts of interest (Law, Economics, Politics) and reading and arguing over articles being shared. Since I won’t stay off my phone, I’ve fallen in love with e-books as well. I’m currently reading “The French Revolution” by Thomas Carlyle, on my phone.

Dear young person, self-development is what sets you apart from others. If you are knowledge-lazy, you end up as a drop-out, even when you’ve attained high academical achievements. I learnt this the hard way, and I’m trying to incorporate reading as much as I can into my daily life.

These steps definitely made me a better ‘coper’. I have to come to terms with where my life is at, I am soaring. My perspective has shifted to a whole different level, because instead of burdening myself with thoughts and fears, I concentrate on what is actionable. Now, I feel like I can take the world by storm and in 5 days, I can confidently tell people, ‘being a quarter of a century is really not that bad’. The learning and experiences do not stop and I am definitely looking forward to my 30^th. 

-         

  ABIYE ABIBO

DILEMMA in telling the TRUTH

Does the truth always set people free?
If I lie a little to save my relationship will I be hurting the ones I love?

The truth is that not ALL situations demand the same level of openness (lol i am sure at this point some people are already asking if we are still brethren). We are humans  and it is only natural that at some point in our lives we are face with the dilemma between our desire for that honest relationship  and the temptation to lie about our failings in order to protect the ones we love.
I once read somewhere that the amount of truth you must tell to any given person depends how much healthy intimacy you want to have with the person.

Don't get me wrong, I am of the school of thought that couples should maintain a healthy relationship by telling the truth. On the other side of the coin our human nature gives us the ability of not forgetting when we have been hurt by the ones we love. Even the TRUTH HURTS sometimes and WE NEVER FORGET.  That is why most times when there is a small issue and the mat is raised, the dirty under it is seen. Your partner trusted you with the dirt and expected you to trash it and if possible burn it but you did not and in that moment of rage, anger and revenge you use the truth as a weapon. Now you are forced to start keeping the truth to your self no matter how hard it hurts if it will protect you and the ones you love like its said 'what you don't know wont kill you'. As you can see this is the dilemma of telling the truth.

At this point I will like to ask
1. Is it okay to keep the truth or to say half truth in order not to hurt the ones you love?
2. How can one guarantee that the truth said won't be used against him or her in future?
3. Which truths are worth telling?

These questions are usually the questions we are confronted with when in dilemma as regards telling the truth. Hope you are not expecting me to answer the questions,(*tongueout*). 
No matter how contradicted the story is ALWAYS TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH even Shakespeare said " to thine own self be true" because the intimate connection in your life is the one you have with your self.

Someone once told me 'it is always good to tell...' and I am like even when it will break you. I thought about it and I will say tell your loved ones as much truth as you can because at the end they are all you have to stand by you in your trying times...(if they leave you God will never forsake you lol).

I am not saying you should lie, i am saying that just as the courts make a person taking the oath to say " I promise to say the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH, and nothing but the truth". This clearly states that there are different kinds of truth, my emphasis is on the WHOLE TRUTH. I believe you should should not lie but i also believe the whole truth is a luxury you can not afford always.
So be stingy with the whole truth because it can be used to burn you if in the wrong hands and also it can kill the receiver if they are not prepared for it.Giving out the whole truth requires wisdom in many situations.

Finally TIMING is of essence...know the right time to tell the truth and come clean. 'Select your moment carefully and establish a baseline of honesty...' in all fairness there is no perfect time to tell the truth but there is certainly a wrong time. The art of waiting for the perfect environment is one that no one on earth has mastered yet. Instead of waiting for a perfect moment, create one. Choose a period of no tension, privacy and comfortable environment and say the truth in love.
So what are your views?

A FATHER'S ADVICE

                       
TO HIS SON ABOUT MARRIAGE

1. My son, if you keep spending on a woman and she never asked you if you’re saving or investing, and she keeps enjoying the attention, don’t marry her.

2. My son, a woman could be a good wife to you, some could be a good mother to your children but if you’ve found a woman like a mother to you, your children and your family, please don’t let her go.

3. My son, don’t confine the position of your wife to the kitchen, where did you get that from? Even in our days, we had farm-lands where they worked every morning . . . that was our office.

4. My son, if I tell you that you’re the head of the house, don’t look at your pocket; look if you will see a smile on your wife’s face.

5. My son, if you want to have a long life, let your wife be in-charge of your salary, it will be difficult for her to spend it when she’s aware of the home needs and bills to pay but if it’s in your care, she will keep you asking even when all has been spent.

6. My son, don’t ever beat your woman, the pain in her body is nothing to be compared to the wound on her heart and that means you may be in trouble living with a wounded woman.

7. My son, now that you’re married, if you live a bachelor kind of life with your wife, you will soon be single again.

8. My son, in our days, we had many wives and many children because of our large farm-lands and many harvests, there are hardly any land for farming anymore, so embrace your woman closely.

9. My son, under the cocoa tree that I did meet your mother could be your eateries and restaurants of nowadays, but remember, the closet thing we did there was to embrace each other.

10. My son, don’t be carried away when you start making more money, instead of spending on those tiny legs that never knew how hard you worked to get it, spend it on that woman that stood by you all along.

11. My son, when I threw little stones or whistled at the window of your mother father’s house, to call her out, it was not for sex, it was because I missed her so much.

12. My son, remember, when you say your wife has changed, there could be something you’ve stopped doing too.

13. My son, your mother, Asake rode the bicycle with me before I bought that tortoise car outside there, any woman that won’t endure with you in your little beginning should not enjoy your riches.

14. My son, don’t compare your wife to any woman, there are ways she’s enduring you too and has she ever compared you to any man?

15. My son, there is this thing you people call feminism, well, if a woman claim to have equal right with you in the house, divide all the bills into two equal parts, take one part and ask her to start paying the other part.

16. My son, I met your mother a virgin and I took more yams to her father, if you don’t meet your wife a virgin, don’t blame her, what I didn’t tell you is that our women had prestige.

17. My son, I didn’t send your sisters to school because I was foolish like many to think a female child won’t extend my family name, please don’t make that mistake, the kind of female achievers I see nowadays has made the male-gender an ordinary tag.

18. My son, your mother have once locked up the cloth I was wearing and almost tore it because she was angry, I did not raise my hand to beat her because of a day like this, so that I can be proud to tell you that I never for once beat your mother.

19. My son, in our days, our women had more of natural beauty, though I wouldn’t lie to you, some had minor painting of their appellation mostly on their arms, the ones you people now call tattoo, but don’t forget that they didn’t expose any part of their body like your women of nowadays.

20. My son, your mother and I are not interested in what happens in your marriage, try to handle issues without always coming to us.

21. My son, remember I bought your mother’s first sewing machine for her, help your wife achieve her dreams just as you’re pursuing yours.

22. My son, don’t stop taking care of me and your mother, it’s a secret of growing old and having children to take care of you too.

23. My son, pray with your family, there is a tomorrow you don’t know

How many of us agree to every advice here, have my reservations about some though.
I saw the post on facebook and thought it wise to share.
Have a blessed day but first let me add my own advice

24. My son, if she doesn't cook for you and only competes with you when it is time to drink alcohol then she is not a wife material.

You can kindly drop your own advice in the comment section. Thanks

photocredit: Google

The Phone and The Spouse

Dear Blog visitors, is it right to go through your partner's phone let alone answer his or her calls?

Came across this video and I decided not to laugh alone

 I am of the school of thought that says 'thou shall not pick or go through his or her partner's phone'. Let me give you my reasons before you remind me of how you two have vowed to spend the rest of your lives together as one etc or how 1 + 1 has suddenly become 1.

1.      NO TWO MARRIAGES ARE THE SAME

Just as our faces are different so are the characters and the way our partners react to issues different. You dare not pick or go through your spouse’s phone because your friend does same to his or her spouse. You are not married to the same persons and if your friend’s spouse is comfortable with it, I think it is wise to have that discussion with your spouse before venturing into that line of business. In other words ‘one man’s food is another man’s poison,’ find out that which goes well with your tummy lest it purges you (and blood dey follow some purging self).

Your level of communication and understanding of your spouse will help you better. While some will understand the reason behind you going through their phones or helping them pick their calls some may not.

2.      TRUST

This is the most expensive thing in this world as it could take years to build and seconds to lose. Someone once said ‘if I cut you off, chances are that you handed me the scissors’ and if you ask me I will say going through your spouse’s phone is equivalent to handing him or her the scissors. The truth is you cannot control or censor the kind of messages or pictures the third party sends to your spouse and once you start going through the phone and seeing all the funny chats and messages you start to lose faith in your spouse. Gradually you become the house detective and relationships are about trust and once you start playing the detective then you start having issues and that expensive thing called TRUST will be lost and in some cases it might take forever to repair.

Now there is a difference between going through your partner’s phone and picking your partner’s call. On a normal day I will say it is okay to pick your partner’s call but human beings are very funny and you can never tell what the person at the other end of the line has to say. How will your spouse feel when he or she picks your call and there is nobody to respond at the other end of the line? This kind of scenario can keep one at the edge of the seat and automatically makes one a detective.

3.      ATTITUDE

There is this popular quote that ‘relationship never dies a natural death…they are murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance’. We human beings are naturally jealous and most jealous persons have nasty attitudes especially when they cannot hide how irritated they are. The kind of things we see or read can affect our state of mind, it can make one become jealous of another and it can make one’s attitude change (it could be positive or negative). Brethren to avoid gossip of how your spouse’s attitude has changed especially towards you….STAY OFF HIS OR HER PHONE(s)

Finally you could end up wrong if you use phone call and text messages from your spouse’s phone to judge his or her fidelity and this singular issue can destroy your marriage or relationship. When you decide to play the role of a detective in your marriage or relationship, he or she will equally try to play the role of the smart thief. You will spend your time chasing a shadow instead of the main substance which is making your spouse always longing to spend that quality time with you.  

The Leader's potential difference

Potential difference requires a leader to be ahead in order to keep the team motivated. This requires knowledge acquisition and skill development. In this light, knowledge is defined as a knowing that gives an edge, which results in an ability to influence. Charlie Jones said: “You will be the same person in five years as you are today except for the people you meet and the books you read.” It is generally believed that every leader is a reader and every reader is a potential leader. CNN’s ‘Reading for Leading’ program lends credence to this hypothesis. A leader should know something about everything and everything about something within his sphere of leadership. Again, this doesn’t mean the leader is the know it all; instead, it means the leader has basic amount of knowing in a wide range of subjects, and a deep amount of knowing in one or a few subjects. This makes for a leader who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way (paraphrased from John C. Maxwell’s quote). If you don’t have it, you can’t give it!

Knowledge is primarily acquired through reading. A leader must study to remain approved because there is a natural degradation that comes with lack of learning. A computer engineer who received a degree in 1980 and has not continually increased in knowledge will be outdated in today’s dynamic and fast-paced world of computing. There is therefore no end to personal development. It is imperative to remain a student of life and a student for life: duly registered in the University of Life. Henry Ford said: “Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.” It is a never ending cycle of knowledge. The more you know, the more you discover you don’t know, and the more you want to know. If one must live without knowledge, then the next logical step will be to purchase a firearm because it will soon become necessary to rob a bank; and even for that, knowledge is needed!

Let’s take a look at one of America’s greatest leaders – Thomas Jefferson. He was the 3rd president of the United States and the principal author of the US Declaration of Independence. History records that he depended on books for his education all through his life. During his presidency, the Library of Congress, which is currently the second largest library in the world, was established. It is worthy of note that Jefferson had the largest private library in North America at the time. After the Library of Congress was burnt in the War of 1812, he sold his personal library collection to the United States Government. His collection was used to re-establish the Library of Congress. At this time, Jefferson had seemingly accomplished it all; nonetheless, he began to rebuild his personal library at the age of 71.

The leader’s first priority is the building of potential while a later priority is to build potential in others through mentoring. A leader in self, increases exponentially by teaching others in leadership. The renowned educationist, Edgar Dale, developed the Cone of Experience in 1946 where he related different learning techniques to memory retentiveness. Although he never added specific numbers to his cone, it was postulated from the cone thereafter that we remember 10% of what we read and over 90% of what we teach others. This implies that we can literally receive 90% by giving 10%; truly it is blessed to give.

Elephants spend about 80% of their day feeding; consuming several hundreds of pounds of vegetation daily, and excreting around half of what is eaten. The lesson here is that a significant portion of time must be spend in capacity building, but capacity must not be kept, it must be discharged, else it becomes toxic to the bearer. Lack of use is as bad, maybe even worse than misuse. Jim Rohn summarized it as thus:

“Don’t let your learning lead to knowledge. Let your learning lead to action.”

The Authors: Akinleye Sowunmi, Chukwuka Madumelu and Oghare Ogidiama are friends and business partners who believe they are going to change the world someday.