Finding FELLOWSHIP

A friend of mine was so sad about the state of his relationship, he did not have the words to describe it but all he could say was “we are not as close as we use to be”. I tried to probe further and he still could not lay his hands on the words to describe the feelings that has stirred up in his heart.

He says things like she does not talk to me, and I asked do you mean literally, he said No of course.

I feel we are not connecting.

Honestly I could not help him that day, so I told him a usually line ‘Every relationship requires hard work’ and I tried to wiggle out of the gist.

Later that night before I slept, I could not just shake the feeling that even though I understood what he was saying I could not find the words to describe what he was saying.

If they talked and laughed, spent time together and kept in touch, what then was missing?

Finally I had to ask myself, when do I feel most connected to someone? That was when it dawned on me; the word he was looking for was ‘fellowship’.

The word fellowship is usually used to describe a collection of individual with a common interest, activity or purpose. But underneath that the world fellowship has a strong tie to vulnerability, that period you open up your deepest fears, worries and dreams to someone or something.

Most people only express that kind of vulnerability in the place of prayer when they are talking to God, that moment you see them stripe themselves of any sense of pride and control laying it all before their maker. In that moment they experience true fellowship.

I also knew I felt most connected to anyone whenever I opened up myself totally to them, going beyond the usual superficial facade I carry every day. I let them into my fears, problems, issues, worries and pains.  I let them see my weakness and let them see me for who I am. In those moments that is when we form true connections.

So I quickly pinged my friend who was still awake and asked him, when last did you have fellowship with your partner, he asked me to explain what I meant by fellowship and I did, his response showed its been long they let the other person see each others vulnerability. The next morning he told me thank you and said it worked like magic, I was just glad I could be of help.

Now I must quickly add that the heart of man is wicked, so you don’t show your vulnerability to every dude or lady who comes your way. But for you to make deep connections and bonds, it must be on the areas where we are the most weak.

Most ladies will say that men don’t share, so why should we share. I have seen men who share and ladies who feel it is a waste of time or who mistake this attribute for weakness. It is not. In fact it is what really makes him a man, the fact he can lay his plans out for you, lets you see his vulnerability and fears. This shows you the respect he has for you and how safe he feels having you in his life.

When a lady shares her fears and issues with a man, it does not make her a weakling. In fact it does the opposite, it draws out the animal instinct in your man to protect his own. This issue of Captain America and Wonder woman only works in the comic world. Couples do not only share the happiness and wonderful times, they also share their fears, sorrows, pain and vulnerability.

So I encourage you to open up in your relationship and fellowship together, it can only make the bond stronger.

My gift to a Corp Member.

I was on my own and my friend Icon One asked me, what best gift he can give a Corp Member.  It didn’t take me a second to suggest money as the best gift. As expected he said ‘Corp Members already have money given to them from the Federal Government and maybe State Government’.  IT’S NEVER ENOUGH were the next words that came out from my mouth; GIVE THEM MORE MONEY. It was at this point that my friend got my point, WEALTH CREATION (A higher sense of purpose).

The first thing that came to my mind after he asked me that question was my days as a Corp Member.  The most difficult days for me were days before the passing out parade /ceremony. Thoughts like “what was next", where do I go from here? Filled my head because it was time to face reality and back then Government Allawee was really helpful.  For some of us, that N 9,000 was the best thing that has ever happened to our lives. It still had its highest value few months to passing out. I didn't want to sound biased, but since my friend got my point, we flowed with that concept for a while but mid way into the conversation, I began to realize what the issue was. "WE WERE NOT PREPARED FOR LIFE." This may sound so lame, but this is truth!

Our nation began NYSC, for the purpose of national integration; the secondary effect of this scheme was that the average Nigerian graduate began to develop the civil servant mentality. Instead of relying on our inner self, to become creators, and look for ways to use the knowledge we acquired in universities to create value, we simply just wanted the Alawee to continue flowing.

I stayed back in Mubi Adamawa State, for some days, waiting in one man's office to get a letter to be retained at the General Hospital. MEHN!!! N150, 000 a month felt like N2, 000,000 a month, even though I wasn't just looking at that the money. I felt the experience would give me a good foundation and the truth remains that I didn't need that N150, 000.  If only I knew half of what I know now then, I probably would have the biggest eye center in the whole of Adamawa State; that sounds big right? but what you probably don't know is that at the time I served, there were just about 8 qualified eye doctors in Adamawa (6 of those were Corp Members like me). I mean just 8; ok to be fair not more than 10, including optometrists and ophthalmologists. If I had foreseen the future what will I need N150, 000 a month salary for?

There are but a few people that understand this, whereas some understand. Now the problem, in my own opinion is this; while we may know WHAT to do, HOW to do it, HOW TO START is where we have the biggest challenge. We often get over whelmed, with the fear of what's next that we end up accepting anything offered us. We often feel left at the mercy of others who apparently have employment offers to give. Then we allow "others" set the value of our Certificate or our worth (never let another man decide your value).

Our price becomes so low because we think we don't have an alternative. We often justify whatever salary offered us, by sayings things like if I lived with N9, 000 a month, then N35, 000 is about 3 times better and I can manage. Some others will look at the long list of "unemployed" and say, half bread is better than nothing. While it is better to keep bus and start small, my worry is what is really going on in the mind of that individual. It is a different thing to accept something small today seeing the future potentials in that offer, than accepting something simply because you have no trust or belief in yourself, or that you don't have a sense of direction.

So if I am to answer my friend’s question all over again, I will say, TRUE EDUCATION is the best gift you can give to a Corp member. A true knowledge of self-worth, personal discovery (I feel this has the highest value.). We must take on a campaign to convert out graduates from takers to givers. We should show them the higher purpose of education, which in my opinion is to use the knowledge they have acquired to contribute to mankind. We should teach them how to create value from their immediate environment and also learn how to receive from the value they have created.

It takes a little extra effort from writing an application letter and organizing curriculum vitae to writing a business plan or a proposal. What makes the latter seem hard, is that you have to identify value first, and answer the question; WHY, HOW AND WHAT. We must stress the importance of personal development (yes we have heard this a billion times) but we have to be innovative in transferring this knowledge to our young graduates.

When we engage in continuous education, we increase our options and increase our ability to create wealth; true security therefore is in our ability to create wealth. A wise man once said, ‘it is foolishness doing for a man that which he can do for himself’.
Honestly, I am one of those totally against our government paying unemployed graduates unemployment allowance or whatever name it is called, when value and riches is practically wasting away on every street of Nigeria. Rather let the government use that money to make our universities and colleges real universities and real colleges.

That which a man has within him, is what makes way for him; it's inconsequential where he or she is. Learn how to properly harness that which you have and locate the person to whom it is most valuable, and you are almost ready to hit a home run. Teaching the Corp Member or young graduate the practical steps to do this, to me is the best gift we can give to them.

Written by  Chukwunedum Okpara

How Far are we willing to go?

I had a flat tire on returning from a long trip and after changing to my spare tire, I decided to stop over at a vulcaniser shop about a kilometer away to fix the bad tire so that I don't get stranded before I get to Akwa Ibom. Shortly after he started fixing the punctured tire, a neighbor who does other services close to his shop walked closer to him and continued a quarrel between both of them, which must have started before I got there. So I kept silent while listening. I was shocked to hear the neighbor accuse the vulcaniser of dropping nails some distance away on all the three roads leading to the junction where his shop is located. The neighbor claims that this guy does that early in the morning each day before the start of work. That way he is guaranteed of having customers with punctured tires crawling slowly into his shop after picking the nails. After saying that, the neighbor walked away satisfied that he has exposed him just like the vulcaniser did to him over another matter before I arrived.

How could Nigerians be so wicked while trying to make money?

Of course it did not happen to me, happened to a friend of mine. Lol I never get car na and for the records this is no fiction.

How did we get to this stage, where our bid for financial gain is more important than the life of another man? Did this Guy stop to think of what might happen if the driver was on high speed? I just can’t rap my head around this story. It is really sad how low we can go now these days for money.

The aim of this blog post is not really to create a frenzy about the actions of the vulcaniser, let us leave him to his God. The aim of this post is to make you ask yourself this question. HOW FAR AM I WILLING TO GO FOR CASH? I am not a preacher but I am sure this is what the bible meant when it said “the love for money is the root of all evil”. We are not going to ask you to raise your hands, but if you have crossed the line in your bid to create that future you want, it’s never too late to stop. As for those of you that have not yet crossed the line, you should have a pre-agreed limit to what you will not do in the name of “HUSTLE”.

I want this cash as much as you want to, but we must do it right.

Proverbs 13 vs 11 “Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.” ESV

Mirror, Mirror on the wall ( The struggle with our image in a vain world)

I know you are a bundle of self-control, a conscientious person and not moved by the new advert of iPhone 6plus or the Samsung note edge. That new apparel on the boutique window as you passed by is not appealing to you, and the watch on your friend’s wrist is not quietly shouting your name. (LOL)

If the above paragraph describes you, please give me a break. Let the real you stand up.

In this society now vanity is the air we breathe. Every corner of your life you are being made to see things that are supposed to help you appear better than you currently are. The advertisement industry has succeeded in making us somehow hungry for better version of everything. Something you got 6months ago is now regarded as old and outdated and you wonder what happened to what you bought 5years ago.

Our image, value and worth are now directly tied to things we have and can display. The intangible things of life have been relegated to the background, the concept of hard work and sweat equity is no longer fashionable. The society is controlling the image of who we are.

This demand on our image is so subtle, we sometimes don’t see it. I will give a few examples.

It was a thing of pride to say my shoes has lasted for 2years and see how new and comfortable it still feels, but now that comment would be greeted with laughter and comments like. “Haba those shoes are old throw them away”, “did this shoe swear for you”. Durability is no longer a priced asset in this vain society. A demand has been placed on your appearance.

The new demand on women is how the society defines being beautiful and sexy, the new criteria are hips and boobs that are astronomical in size, people who are not “Hippy” are no longer tagged as sexy or beautiful. A demand has been placed on the image of a “young lady”.

Daily in my gym sections I see men who will kill themselves on the bench press all in the bid to have the coveted 6packs some are now hooked on steroids etc. because it is believed to make the process faster. A demand has been placed on the image of a “young man”.

You read blogs every day, of what a man should at least have before you should go out or even consider marrying him, a car, a house, a job, a fat bank account. Etc. A demand on the image of successful man has been placed.

There are 1001 examples of these situations, in our everyday life.

So you can’t really avoid it, if the mirror you use to appraise yourself is the mirror the society has given to you, the mirror that spells conformity, the mirror that spells show off, the mirror that spells pride, the mirror that spells sex, the mirror that spells THAT YOUR WORTH IS IN WHAT YOU HAVE NOT WHO YOU ARE. Then you are in a big trouble.

Whenever I catch myself trying to drift away into looking at my image through the mirror of the society, I quickly remind myself that it is not what I have that makes me valuable, it is who I am. I was created valuable by God. He loves me even when no one does, he loves me even when I don’t have new shoes and clothes to go out with, and he loves me with my pot belle and fat arms (not an excuse to get fat)

Your mirror of your value and worth should stem from the knowledge that God is your father and he loves you. It does not matter if I am wearing the best cloths or driving the best car. He is my father and he is working all things out for my good.

When this world of vanity and cares tries to roar its ugly head up again at you, when you feel you have to buy that new wrist watch to look glam, when you feel you just have to move to bigger apartment to show you have arrived even when you can’t afford it, pause and tell yourself if you are doing it because you really need it or because you want the society to see you as someone that has arrived.

Tools to feed him With..

I decided to share the post into two, because I really wanted to give space between the first post and the follow up. So that people can understand how important I believe feeding your man is. Pls read the first blog ( Feed-your-man.)for a better understanding of the follow up.

There is an old adage that says behind every successful man there is a woman. And even though most women say this in a bid to prop up the importance of women. I don’t think many understand it totally.

Most women do not really recognize the power they have over their Man. We have this power just by words sometimes, or sometimes even a look, to literally destroy their man or they can lift him up to do things that they would never do on their own without her encouragement and support.

Tools to feed my man

1.       Respect – most women do not really understand what this means and I am not sure I totally do, and this is because respect is relative. There are things you might do to one man and it means disrespect and to another it is cool. You have to understand how your man defines respect. I might be wrong but I believe most men value respect and loyalty way above love. One of the most common ways to show respect is to listen to your man. Don’t just hear, LISTEN.

The second way is to take him SERIOUSLY, if he tells you something and you go ahead and do what is on your mind that is outright disrespect. The slogan Yes does not cause quarrel, is a clear sign of disrespect, you act like you have heard and you go off and still do what pleases you.

2.       Use your words – after respect the next is the proper use of words, when you understand that it took him a great deal of effort to open up to you, to be vulnerable to you, and how he hopes to hear an opinion from you. And in that moment you say am tired I need to sleep, you have just told him ‘your worries are yours alone to bear don’t disturb me’.

Our opinions matter a lot to the Men in our lives, so use it to always support and encourage them. Words like (i)I really appreciate your faithfulness to our relationship.(ii) Thank you for working so hard.(iii) it is okay we will get through this together (iv) I love you. etc

3.       Make him feel needed – if you were comfortable being alone you should not have bothered dating in the first place. Men are wired to feel needed the same way women are wired to feel safe. Acting like you can take the world all by yourself makes a man wonder what his role is in your life. Make him feel needed, let him see that he is your amour and protector.

4.       Support his dreams - One of the things that sometimes baffles women is the way men’s self-worth is often tied to their profession. God gave work to the man from the Garden of Eden, before the fall, and it was part of what God called “good.”  Men derive a great amount of identity, purpose, and joy from this means God has given them to provide for themselves and the people they love. If you are not working help him get ready for work, if he is forgetful help him remember appointments or things he needs to do. Show him in your actions you will follow him to the moon and back

5.       Finally touch him – I know he is big, 6ft 2inches, has a biceps that can crush your skull in a bit, and he has this voice that reechoes in your house when he lets it lose. In all this show of masculinity he is still a small boy, who loves to be touched. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about touch. (I will share this with my ladies alone) but I am sure you get my drift already, in the olden days you would see the man lying down and the wife rubbing his pot belle. hahahhha, that is still an example of touch.

I know I missed some things, I don’t know it all and I am also learning but I think the above listed ones will go a long way in helping you feed your man to conquer the world. Feel free to share more via your comments.